Realizing our blessings.

(this is a YouTube video set to the song I talked about below)

So most of you avid, loyal readers :) (haha) know that 2 summers ago in 2006 Matt and I lost our first baby at 11 week. It's not something I enjoy talking about, obviously, but for a LONG time it was something I COULDN'T talk about. It was a really hard time for both Matt and I. I used think i took it harder than Matt did-- maybe it was because I blamed my body for rejecting our baby, or maybe I just thought a mother should grieve the way I did.

When I was pregnant the first time in 2006 I joined a message board group (http://www.babyfit.com/) you can post questions, stories, etc with people who are due the same month you are. I didn't visit the boards much after I lost the first baby-- it was just too hard. But I did post a few entries into the public journal feature of the website about how I was feeling while I was going through the miscarriage, and the greiving process. I went back to the boards when I found out I was pregnant this time around. (This is turning into a long background story, and it wasn't intended to be!!)

ANYWAY-- fast forward 5 months to when I found out I was having blood pressure/ pre eclampsia problems and I was on bed rest. I spent a lot of time on the boards because really what is a housewife/student taking a hiatus from classes, on bed rest SUPPOSED to do? :) there was a post from a woman who was experiencing lots of swelling in her legs and face and I told her to get her blood pressure checked, and it turned out she too was having pre eclampsia problems, so we kinda mailed back and forth while we were both on bed rest.

She wrote me today to tell me that she had looked at my entries that i posted while grieving for my angel baby. I hadn't remembered they were there, and she never knew we lost a baby, and she said that it brought tears of joy to her eyes to know that we finally had our perfect baby.

So in reading that, someone I've never met was so happy for me, it brough tears to MY eyes. I went back and read the entries that I had written, and I'm sort of ashamed of some of the things I said out of anger and pain. I was angry at Matt because he didn't cry like i did, or I was angry because he didn't cope like I did

(I LITERALLY spent 2 weeks on the couch in my PJ's eating oreos and ice cream, crying my eyes out and researching everything I could find about miscarriages and pregnancy, and somehow finding every excuse to blame this all on myself-- pretty picture huh?)

So today as I sat reading those entries and listening to the song I found when i lost our baby, called "Glory Baby" by Watermark (a song written by the Christian Husband and wife duo about the loss of their three angel babies) I cried as I realized HOW BLESSED we are.

There were a million things that could have gone wrong with this prengnancy, some that we could have easily moved on, and some that could have cost us our angel. Our doctor told us that we could have easily lost our baby at any time because of the problems i was experiencing.

My mother, in her infinite wisdom (i mean that literally, not sarcasticly) told us one of the greatest pieces of motherly love that I have ever heard.

"Everyone things you're ENTITLED to a healthy baby. You're not."

How amazing to stop and consider!! Healthy babies are a GIFT from God. We are BLESSED with healthy babies, we aren't damned with sick babies, or God forbid, the loss a baby. The hard things that happen to us aren't punishments at all (though at times they can feel like it!) The HARD times are the things we're entitled to-- the punishment for the sin of man. The good times in life are our blessings.

Everyday I look at my precious Elijah and I feel so blessed. He is perfect to me in EVERY way. He's beautiful, he's smart, he's healthy, he's loving, and best of all-- He's mine. My heart, the same heart I thought would never be able to move on from the loss of my angel baby, is BURSTING at the seams with love for Elijah, Matt, and for my family.

The past couple of months have been really rough for us, and there were times where I definately thought that the darkness was closing in on us, and we wouldn't be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone has times like this, and why should we be any different? (we're not.)

We've been through a lot since moving to South Haven: the job Matt was promised was anything but, his working 70-90 hours a week put a strain on us, I got sick while pregnant, Matt's biological father passed away, our house in Alma was nearly destroyed by water that flooded our house, Matt's boss threatened to kill him causing him to leave his job.... really the list could go on and on, but that's not the point of this message.

This is the point: Through it all one constant has reamined: The love of our friends, our family, and the love matt and I have for each other. Where would we be now if it weren't for the love and support of those closest to us? Certainly we'd be lost!

They say when one door closes, another one opens. How true that is. Since all of the bad things that have happened: Our beautiful baby was born perfectly despite me being sick, matt found a new job that he LOVES, working for a truly wonderful man, (and the best part? He's home to enjoy his son!) and our house in Alma was fixed using an insurance settlement that paid for all of the repairs, leaving our house looking better than it did before, and it's even more marketable now, so hopefully it'll sell soon.

So today as I curl up in the warmth of my beautiful house, with my beautiful son, while I await the return of my wonderful husband, I count my blessings... Have you counted yours lately?